#Humor #Excerpt from The Three Sisters by Bryan Taylor

16 Jan

I remembered how much I hated Catholic School, but how much I had enjoyed entertaining my classmates when the sisters were gone from the room. I had endured Catholic School, and I knew what it could and should be like, so I convinced myself that if I could put up with the convent for a year or so, I could spend the rest of my life, or at least a few years, reforming Catholic School from within its very bowels. I knew every trick in the book the terrorists in training, as the sisters referred to us in junior high, could think of, and if my students even thought about misbehaving, I could stop them before they converted their plans into reality.

Of course, my first choice for a Catholic career would have been to become an exorcist. I had seen The Exorcist when it first came out in 1973, and let me tell you, if I had been in that house with Linda Blair, she would have known that she had met her match. If she had thrown up on me, I would have slapped that little bitch so hard, her head would have spun around like a top until it levitated off her torso. I knew I had more balls than either Jason Miller or Max Von Sydow, and after I was done with her, she would have been begging for mercy. Fortunately for the possessed of the world, the Catholic Church doesn’t allow nuns to become exorcists, and a movie version of Coito the Exorcist was never made. This was just another example of how equal opportunity would have helped the Catholic Church to fight evil in the world.

I told a priest I had gotten “the calling” to become a nun, and he sent me to some nuns. I met with the sisters, and being the inquisitive type that I am, I asked them what was expected of a postulant. The sisters told me they expected a nun to have the seven cardinal virtues: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. A nun should be between sixteen and forty with a spirit of heroic generosity and common sense; be in reasonable health; have stability and a desire to give oneself utterly and unconditionally to God; be able to get along with others; be distinguished by Christ-like charity; have a limpid simplicity of the soul, selflessness, unquestioning loyalty, prudent zeal, an orderly mind, gracious courtesy, an adaptable disposition, solid piety, and the saving grace of a good sense of humor. It was Academy Award time. Feigning repentance from my wicked past and throwing in a few lies, I told them that was me all over, and a month later I was accepted into their order.

To be honest, I was of two minds about going into the convent. The optimistic side of me, the part that was full of youthful determination and ambition said I could succeed. After all, Vatican II had been introduced ten years before, and we were living in the modern age, the 1970s, when the Church might actually replace a medieval church with a modern church. Then there was the pessimistic side of me which was convinced of the futility of my Icarian ambitions. If I went into the convent, I would be fighting two thousand years of established hierarchy, and this was certain to be a lost cause.

I felt like I was in one of those cartoons where the angel and devil whispered in the character’s ears trying to convince their alter ego of their point of view. I wavered back and forth until the week before I entered, and finally decided to go through with it. Even if it didn’t work out, I figured, I could always leave. I was still young, and if my worst fears were realized, I could always leave and change the world in some other way. Everything else in the world was changing, so why couldn’t the Catholic Church?


Buy @ Amazon

Genre – Humor, Satire, Catholicism, Politics

Rating – R

More details about the author

Connect with Bryan Taylor on Facebook

Website www.threesistersnovel.com


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